Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
