Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
