She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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