Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize