my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
