sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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