I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
