Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
