I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
