I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
ugly people sure do ruin things
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
