What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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