Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
