god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
