I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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