Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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