I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
