I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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