Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize