apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
