And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
