Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
