when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
