i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
