I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
