a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
