Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
