literally had 100 drinks last night.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
