I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
