This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
