Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
