She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
