i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
