the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
