Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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