video games are the ultimate cock blocker
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
