Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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