Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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