to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
