i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
