Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
