put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
