Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
