You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
