my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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