That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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