I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
