you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
