are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
