i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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