don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
