I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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