i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
