Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
