I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize