I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize