i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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