I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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