All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
