my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
